25 Ways to Handle Grief and Loss

10. Preserve your memories

For Wolfelt, memories are among the best legacies of a deceased loved one. “Treasure them,” he writes. “Recognize that your memories may make you laugh or cry. In either case, they are a lasting part of the relationship that you had with a very special person in your life.” Ideas for preserving memories of a loved one include creating a “memory box” filled with photos, letters and personal mementos that remind you of them; assembling a physical or digital photo album with your favorite pictures of them; making a recipe book filled with their favorite dishes; sewing a memory quilt or blanket from their used clothing; or crafting memorial jewelry engraved with their name or birthday.

11. Develop rituals

It’s often said that funerals aren’t for the dead, but rather for the living. That’s because it’s vital to have a dedicated time and place for mourning. “The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved,” Wolfelt writes. “It helps provide you with the support of caring people. Most importantly, the funeral is a way for you to express your grief outside yourself.” But funerals aren’t the only rituals that can help you process grief. For months, years and even decades after a loss, your own custom-made rituals — cooking a deceased loved one’s favorite meal on their birthday, for example — provide a scaffolding you can hang your grief on, according to Hone. She cites the theory of continuing bonds — the notion that actively engaging with the memory of a deceased loved one sustains a connection to them — which studies show are beneficial for the bereaved. “Continuing bonds is about realizing that people can always be present in your world, even though they’re not physically here,” Hone says, adding that her brother, a yachtsman, died of early onset dementia. “His kids always take a gulp of saltwater for their dad when they’re swimming in the sea.” she says. “It’s those small, private rituals that are deeply personal to you that can connect you to your loved one so you can continue to feel your love for them.”

12. Plan for difficult events

Although grief anniversaries and birthdays can be occasions for healing and celebration, other events — holidays, wedding anniversaries — might be tainted with suffering and sorrow. “I usually describe grief as kind of a roller coaster,” says grief counselor Kenneth Doka, senior vice president for grief programs at the Hospice Foundation of America and author of Grief Is a Journey: Finding Your Path Through Loss. “You have good days and you have bad days.” If you know in advance that a day is going to be bad, soften the blow by planning how you’ll spend it. “When I work with clients, I always ask them, ‘How are you going to spend Thanksgiving? And what about Christmas?’ Don’t just drift into those days,” Doka says. “Make decisions.” 

13. Seek purpose

A study of 13,000 people published in the journal Preventive Medicine in 2022 found that purpose — a sense of direction and goals in life — may be linked to better health and lower mortality. If you struggle to find purpose after a loss, you might find it in the life of your lost loved one, Kessler suggests. “When people hear the concept of ‘finding meaning,’ they say, ‘There’s no meaning in a horrible death.… And they’re right,” he says. “There is no meaning in the death itself. The meaning is in us; it’s in what we do after.” Hone describes the search for purpose as a “survivor’s mission.” “We owe it to our loved ones to keep going and to make the most of this short life we’re given,” she says. “If you’re going to survive your grief, it helps to know who and what you want to survive for.”

14. Learn from past losses

Unfortunately, loss isn’t a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. It’s a routine part of the human experience. Most people endure it again and again and again — if not death, then failure, including lost jobs, missed opportunities and failed relationships. Although these setbacks are painful, there’s an upside, Doka points out: your track record of survival. No matter how bad you feel, you’ve already demonstrated you can weather difficult storms. And with each successive loss, you become stronger. “If you were a client of mine, the first thing I’d ask you is: What other losses have you had in your life?” Doka says. “When you had those losses, what worked for you and what didn’t?” If you examine your past and learn from it, you’ll be more resilient.

Your altar can be as elaborate as you want, or as simple as a photograph and a candle.

Sam Island

15. Create an altar

One way to combine the benefits of rituals and memory preservation is to create an altar — a common practice in many cultures. In Mexico, for example, it’s customary to create an ofrenda to remember loved ones on Día de los Muertos, or Day of the Dead, traditionally celebrated on Nov. 1. Although your altar can be as elaborate as you want, even something as simple as a photograph and a candle can do the job, according to Miller. “It’s just a way to note or routinize thinking of this person or this being,” he says. “For instance, I have photographs of animals I’ve lost or family members I’ve lost. … It creates a landing spot for those feelings of grief that I still have, which can be really helpful.”

16. Write an ethical will

Before you die, you’re supposed to write a will that dictates how you want your heirs to divide your assets. But even more valuable than bequeathing your possessions is leaving behind your values, hopes and dreams, Leder suggests. “Most people’s final word to the people they love most in the world is in the form of a legalese estate plan that’s written by a near-total stranger,” he says. To nourish your loved ones when you’re gone, Leder recommends leaving behind not only a traditional will, but also an “ethical will” — a document that shares your life story and outlines your essence to illuminate who you are and what’s important to you. Although an ethical will’s primary purpose is comforting your friends and family members, writing it can help you manage your own grief while you’re still alive. It’s an opportunity to reflect on the experiences, character traits and values you inherited from people you’ve loved and lost. Also, it’s a good reminder of your mortality, which might be the salve you need to move through your grief and keep on living. 

17. Be forgiving

According to Doka, each person grieves in their own way. “There’s no silver bullet for getting through it,” he says. “But … people are going to say some dumb things to you. So be gentle with others.” Doka has heard people say to parents who’ve lost a child, “At least you have three others,” and to young widows and widowers, “You’re young; you can get married again.” When people say things like that, ask yourself three questions to help process the remarks. “First, why did it hurt? Most of the time it hurts because it invalidates our loss,” Doka says. “Second, why did the person say it? Most of the time … people are trying to be helpful. Most people are not intentionally cruel. And third, what could you say in response to somebody, even if you don’t actually have the chance to say it?” The goal is to deescalate your emotions to feel empathy instead of anger.

18. Embrace distractions

Eventually, life must go on. You might have work to do, grandchildren to spoil or a garden to tend. That’s normal, according to Kessler, who believes distractions are an important part of grieving. “People are worried about distractions because they’re afraid it will prevent them from working on their grief,” he says. “But distractions are OK in grief. To heal properly, we need to touch the pain, then take a break; touch the pain, then take a break.” Known as the “dual-process” model of grief, researchers suggest that this on-again, off-again approach helps survivors gradually learn to live without the deceased. 

19. Control what you can

When someone dies, there are papers to sign, bank accounts to close, possessions to sort through and on and on and on. For some, these tasks can be overwhelming and difficult. For others, however, there can be comfort in the clerical aspects of loss. If that’s you, getting things done might provide a sense of accomplishment, and that in itself can be healing, according to Miller. “Some of us are wired to feel really good at checking things off of a to-do list,” he says. “I don’t want to relegate grief to a to-do list, but if you don’t know what to do with yourself … these sorts of tasks give you steps you can follow to automatically move through your day, which sometimes can be really helpful.”

Recognizing grief milestones can help you note your progress and healing from one year to the next.

Sam Island

20. Observe grief anniversaries and birthdays

“Whether it’s been six months or six years, continue to hold space for grief anniversaries and birthdays,” suggests grief advocate Marisa Renee Lee, author of Grief Is Love: Living With Loss. Although these milestones can be triggering, “memorializing our people … helps keep them alive,” says Lee, who suggests marking grief anniversaries with friends and family who share your loss. “Do something to make them smile,” she says. “A comforting card, a small gift or a silly meme can go a long way. … Consider sharing a favorite memory or something you miss about [your] lost loved one.” In fact, grief anniversaries and birthdays can be a chance to celebrate your own milestones — to note your progress and healing from one year to the next. “I always tell people, ‘Your grief is not a cold or a flu. You don’t recover from it. You don’t get over it. You’re going to learn to live with it,’ ” Kessler says. 

21. Write a eulogy

If a loss is recent, you might plan to speak at the funeral. Whether you do or you don’t — and even if the funeral is months or years past — writing a eulogy can help you work through your grief, according to Miller. “It can be almost like a journaling exercise — a way to get your thoughts out and clarify for yourself who this person was to you,” he says. In some ways, a faux eulogy can be even more therapeutic than a real one, according to Miller, who recommends writing with “radical honesty.” “One of the things that goes wrong with eulogies is that they get overly polite, which can make you feel like you’re in a charade,” he says. “Especially if you don’t have an audience for your eulogy, use it as a way to get everything up and out of you, including any unsavory feelings you might have that you need to resolve.”

22. Anticipate tomorrow’s grief today

Many people feel grief not only about present-day losses, but also about future losses — for example, losing a pet or a parent someday, even though they’re very much alive today. Miller says this is called “anticipatory grief,” and you can use it now to accelerate healing later. For example, consider a couple in which one partner has been diagnosed with a terminal illness. In that case, the couple might process their grief together by sitting with it and talking about it openly. “That is more than some people can handle,” Miller says. “But for those who can … it’s a way to be in the moment and for the person who’s dying to accompany their loved one in the early phases of their grief.” Even if a loved one’s death is not imminent, use anticipatory grief to strengthen your relationships and preempt future regrets so that losing them later in life will be easier. 

23. Reestablish routines

Routines make humans feel secure, Hone says. Grief activates the sympathetic nervous system (your “fight or flight” response), while routines activate the parasympathetic nervous system (your “rest and digest” response). “When you’ve experienced a loss, particularly in a traumatic bereavement, your whole world has been smashed apart and nothing makes sense,” she says. “You’re in a permanent fight, flight or freeze mode. If you put even a semblance of a routine in place, it enables your body to feel safer — like it’s living in a more coherent world.” 

24. Find resilience role models

Newspapers, history books and even social media are full of inspiring stories about people overcoming loss and grief. Hone says find the stories and people that resonate with you and make them a road map for working through your sorrow. Hone’s own grief work stems from losing her 12-year-old daughter, Abi, in a tragic car crash in 2014. “After Abi died, I met a woman in Cincinnati whose son had also died,” she says. “She really inspired me to believe in that first year that I could get through this — that we would be happy again, and that we could learn to live without Abi.”

25. Cultivate positive emotions

Grieving is defined by negative emotions like sadness, sorrow, regret and pain. To counteract those emotions, Hone says seek out and experience positive ones — things like joy, awe, serenity and curiosity. Hone says positive emotions and experiences can ease the burden of grieving. “Sometimes, people feel guilty about laughing or smiling after a loved one has died, and so their instinct is to quash that emotion,” Hone says. “My advice is: Don’t. Instead, hang on to it. Amplify it. Know that it is your own evolutionary physiology helping you to cope with your grief.”​​